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I screwed up and I feel like a fuckwit
 
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Topic Description: when things go from bad to worse and you have no idea how it happened
lozinabox
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resident nerd


post Feb 3 2009, 02:46 AM Post #1
Alright...

Man.....

I'm pretty much after opinions, thoughts, whatever here. Feel free to bag the crap out of me if you feel necessary. This is an invitation so if you need to let rip.... just do it. I feel that if you did I would fully deserve what I have coming anyway.

Last year I completely screwed up a long-term relationship. When I say completely- I mean completely. Put it this way... by the end of it I had totally pulverised it so much that I have this very strong inkling feeling that my ex wants to have absolutely nothing to do with me ever again.

What happened was... there was a lot of tooing and frowing with my own mind as I started to fall for this other guy but did nothing in the ways to make a decision or try to fix anything. I then ended up cheating on my boyfriend twice like the fuckwit I am (it wasnt planned) and everything turned into an even bigger mess than it already was. We then broke up on really bad terms... fought a lot and havent really spoken since.

Come on... I hurt someone majorly. I tore out his heart... ripped it in two and shreaded it into a thousand pieces... put it through a blender and then fed it to sharts.. metaphorically. I dont blame him if he really really REALLY hates me right now but yeh.. I feel like this absolutely horrible person because I completely destroyed his trust. This also doesn't make me all that good as a person... I feel like a slut... my ex labells me as a slut.. and so do my family. I feel like I have betrayed everyone even those who weren't directly involved like my ex but everyone who knew us.

Now.. I am so confused because I don't know what to do with myself... I have so many people shooting me advice or trying to dictate my life from all sorts of corners with so many different theories/reasonings behind it that I don't know what the fuck I should do. What do I do about my ex? How am I supposed to behave? I don't want to hurt him any more than I have...What do I do about the other guy? I care about them both a lot.. some may argue otherwise but I can definately say that in my own heart I do care about them and what happens to them.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? ITS FAIR ENOUGH THAT EVERYONE TAKES HIS SIDE BECAUSE YEH DAH! I KNOW I AM THE ONE IN THE WRONG...

What am I supposed to do or feel? How am I supposed to behave in all this? I NEVER WANTED TO CHEAT ON ANYONE YET I HAVE AND I FEEL I HAVE GREATLY BETRAYED EVERYONE... including myself.

Okay yeh I think that pretty much covers it for now. But yeh... feel free to say what you like and feel in no ways restricted by me what so ever. Its not very often you hear the view of the other side of this kind of dispute eh?

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post Feb 3 2009, 02:46 AM
 
Kelevra
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Bad dog


post Feb 3 2009, 03:33 AM Post #2
Don't worry about it. Sure you fucked up but it doesn't really help beating yourself into the ground about it, you feel bad so you know you have done the wrong thing nothing much more to do than build yourself back up as a better person. I say from experience that being cheated on makes you feel really shitty but i couldnt even imagine how i would feel if i cheated on someone. So don't think that you aren't being punished, you are punishing yourself pretty good.



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n0lite
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srsly.


post Feb 3 2009, 09:38 AM Post #3
You made a mistake: you're human, don't beat yourself up too much over it. You can't turn back time so you'll just have to learn to live with it. As far as your ex goes, I'd leave it alone. If you're still interested in the other guy then history is just going to repeat itself if you two get back together. I know it's easy to say "I'd never do it again", but then again, it's also easy to say "I'd never cheat". He's understandably hurt and he probably needs some space to think things through. He sounds pretty mad and upset and chances are that he won't react well to what he sees as excuses, no matter how good your intentions are. There's also the chance he'll think you're trying to get back with him and that'd make things even messier. And the other guy, well, it sounds like things are complicated for you at the moment so until your head is clear you probably shouldn't make any commitments you might not be able to keep. If he's worth your time he'll be willing to wait until you've sorted things out.

However, I do know how it feels to want to make amends for something or want to apologise. Anecdata time: a few years back I was in a relationship that was pretty much a disaster from go to whoa. We both behaved pretty badly but towards the end it's fair to say I took the Super Bitch title. I realized later that I'd acted ridiculously and that two wrongs never make a right, and although I didn't want to get back with him I wanted to apologize. So I sent him a message telling him I realized what a bitch I'd been and that I was sorry. His reaction was pretty cold, which was fair enough and what I expected. But in the end I knew that whether he accepted my apology or not, at least he knew I was sorry. And selfish as it may be, I felt better. So, if you really want to let him know that you're sorry I'd suggest doing that. Don't call him or meet in person, send a letter or email (that way you can really think about what you want to say and you won't be put on the spot) then let him decide whether he wants to talk more. Just say what you said here, plus any personal stuff of course. It's a good idea not to get too emotional, as he's not your partner anymore and it may not be appropriate. Don't grovel or tear yourself down, either, because it sounds like he can do that just fine on his own. Oh, and definitely don't talk too much about the other guy. You don't want to reopen old wounds and in this case you'd just be rubbing his face in it. Hopefully you'll be able to tie up some loose ends and at the very least you'll know you did the right thing by apologising.

Good luck with this, it sounds like a tough situation. In the end only you know how to deal with it and only you can really understand what went on; your family and friends have no right to judge you for it so keep your head up and don't let it get to you. <3
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Kelevra
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Bad dog


post Feb 4 2009, 04:28 AM Post #4
we seem to agrizzle on most things for some reason, whaaaaaaaaaaat.
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insanekilla
Drama Queen


post Feb 20 2009, 07:43 AM Post #5
kelevra's trying to pick up

lol
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Kelevra
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Bad dog


post Feb 20 2009, 08:21 PM Post #6
burn lol
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n0lite
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srsly.


post Feb 21 2009, 02:56 PM Post #7
14/f/cali*, u? do u hav webcam bb? wat r u weerin lol?? LET'S CYBER!

On a less Perverted-Justice.com-esque note , we do indeed seem to agree on a lot of shit. IIRC, you're from NZ y/y? I think it is something in the water and/or sheep that causes this phenomenon.

And where the hell have you been, insane.killa?

*The a/s/l is a lie.

This post has been edited by n0lite: Feb 21 2009, 03:06 PM
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celeste36
Newbie Ranter


post Mar 1 2009, 02:46 AM Post #8
My ex and I both cheated on each other during our three year relationship so I sort of know where you're coming from.

I told myself three things to 'move on' from the emotional self destruction which inevitably follows a screw up like cheating on someone you care about.

1. It's happened, it's done, time to move on and to move forward - what will my next move be? Instead of mulling around feeling shitty about what was in the past, you should try to really just accept it happened, then close that chapter of your book and open a new one. Move on. Move forward.

2. Things can only get better from where they are now. While cheating does reflect badly on you and can damage reputations etc, the worst is over, the best is yet to come. Yes he might hate you - big deal now right? He will never be a part of your life again so there is no reason to fret about it. I know it sounds like the caring, nice, moral thing to try and redeem yourself, to walk to the edge of the world for this twat seeking forgiveness and acceptance, but why bother now? It's over. It's a shame it had to end so badly, but it did. So this is your situation, yes it sucks right now, but it's done and over and there are only greener paddocks to graze m'dear. Look up. Chin up.

3. Don't focus on what others thing. This new chapter should be all about you. I'm not screaming this with uplifting 'go get em girl!' music playing or with pink streamers shouting 'love yourself wooo!!!'. But you must have cheated for a few reasons, sometimes they're not obvious, but they'll be there deep down. So try now to get back to basics. Don't go after this new guy (he'll only cheat on you, it's murpheys law baby!). Focus on what you want from life - who you want to be - what you want to change - who you want to keep in your life. If any of my friends judged me for making a relationship mistake (common cheating isn't a rarity, shit happens, a lot of people make exactly the same mistake, hell half of reality tv is fuelled by the stuff) - so if any of my friends or family judged me about it - they're seriously not even worth the worry, they're assholes for judging you. Yes the may think what you did was wrong, yes they probably will (we all hope our friends are moral when we drop our own guard from time to time, friends are there to guide us sometimes yes) but they shouldn't be LETTING YOU KNOW that they judge you - those thoughts should be theirs alone. The only thing they should be doing is asking if you're ok, if you had deeper issues behind the adultery, if they can help, and that they are there to support you - not being wankers and turn up their noses. So fuck them (certainly don't fuck your ex or the new guy!).

So yes. Those are my thoughts. Goodluck and seriously, don't worry so much. It's in the past, move on and be happppy xo
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lozinabox
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resident nerd


post Mar 2 2009, 09:25 AM Post #9
It is just difficult to move on because I always find that the past haunts me.. and comes back to haunt me and bite me in the ass no matter what happens. It is also difficult when I myself am just confused about everything...I know I shouldnt let the past bother me but it does.....
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prostitot
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Pink.


post Mar 4 2009, 08:00 AM Post #10
When I was younger, I used to cheat on every relationship I was in.
It's hard for me to admit, but its the truth.

I was young, and I was stupid, and I wasn't really involved in any of the relationships I was in.
At some point, I kinda looked back at my past, and went, what the...
So I grew the fuck up. I stopped being in relationships for the sake of being in a relationship. It never ended up to be "fun" and just hurt people.
I entered my first completely monogamous relationship, and I could already feel like I was happier.

So its as simple as this - exactly like celeste36 said - you make mistakes. Everybody does. But you learn from them. It's only human to acknowledge that you've done something wrong and feel bad about it.
Don't beat yourself up - because when it comes down to it - everybody screw up eventually.
Atleast your mistakes happened when you were younger.

I can honestly say I would never cheat again. I wasn't in the right relationships when I was younger, but I've learnt alot about who I am over the past few years, and have finally found someone that fits =)

I hope you find him, too.
<3
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Gah!IYA...
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Clutz 101


post May 5 2009, 02:31 AM Post #11
lozzie i have known you for so long, and i am not disgusted in you, surpised at your actions but not angry etc. what you need to do first of all I'm sure you have done, apologise to your ex for hurting him so badly.

From what i see here and what i know about you, you are sorry, and loz remember girl guides? you kimberly and panda where some of the people I took lessons off. you helpd shape who i am now. And i know a lot of people looked up to you in the past as they still do now. but just because of that it dose;nt mean that you are not human.

I think what happened to you lozzie is that you got totaly confused on how you felt about this boy and that led you to do cheatign and unfaithful things.

You need to figure out who it is you love. and if its your ex apologise to him, but as you know dont expect to get him back because you mayjorly betrayed his trust.

I hope this helps you some how lozzie and like you and your sisters have always been for me if you need me I am here for you.

I say also you need to stop beating your self up about it and relase all your anger then let it go, thats the only time the healing process for you and your ex can start to heal properly and move on.
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